


Here Without You

by sinfuldesire_archivist



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Drama, Hurt/Comfort, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-10-07
Updated: 2008-11-02
Packaged: 2018-09-08 01:35:25
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 11
Words: 11,341
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8824999
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sinfuldesire_archivist/pseuds/sinfuldesire_archivist
Summary: What if Mary lived, and John died? After all she was the one that knew the demon. What happens when Dean leaves, and only then does he realize that what he feels is more than brotherly love?





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Note from the Sinful Desire archivists: this story was originally archived at [Sinful-Desire.org](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Sinful_Desire). To preserve the archive, we began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in November 2016. We e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact us using the e-mail address on [Sinful Desire collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/sinfuldesire/profile).

TITLE: Here Without You

 

RATING: NC-17; you have to wait for it tho. More plot than porn, however, porn is so much fun.

 

SUMMARY: Total AU... Wincest ensues. Oh, and I made Sam 16 when Dean is 19. I know it's only one year... but, well, it seemed to work better for this, sorry if that bugs you.

 

\-----

 

PROLOGUE

 

\-----

 

Sam sat on the porch steps and watched. This wasn't happening. Sam clenched his jaw, watching Dean lean against his car in the drive. Dean smirked at him, and Sam bowed his head and then looked away.

 

It wasn't fair. Dean wasn't supposed to leave. Dean was supposed to be there for him no matter what. Dean had always been there for him... Sam clenched his jaw and blinked back tears; he felt like such a damn girl.

 

Mary walked out of the side door with a laundry basket on her hip. “Okay, Dean; this is the last thing I'm forcing you to take.”

 

Dean laughed and shoved off the car, half jogging over to take it from his mother's grasp. Dean laid it on top of the truck's hood, sparing the impala the weight if it. Dean turned around just as Mary came to a stop. She had her arms crossed over her chest, but a smile was on her face as the wind tugged at her pinned back hair. “All set?”

 

Dean nodded, his smile softening, “Just about yeah.”

 

Mary nodded, “I'm so proud of you, Dean...”

 

Dean's neck flushed and he smiled, fighting to keep the blush off his face, “I know you are, Mom.”

 

“Your dad...” she paused and smiled a teary eyed smile, “I know he'd be proud of you, too.” 

 

Dean's jaw ticked, “Yeah, I know.”

 

Mary rubbed Dean's shoulder, and then she hugged him. Dean clutched her tightly for a long moment and then released her. Mary smiled, and then tossed a look over her shoulder at Sam who was looking pointedly away, his jaw clenching just like his big brother's.

 

“I'm going to let you two say goodbye...” She looked up at him, squinting in the late summer sun. “Get me before you go?”

 

Dean nodded, and Mary nodded as well before heading back to the side door.

 

He waited until his mom was all the way in the house before he walked over to Sam and sank down on the step next to him. Sam looked down at his hands, and then stared pointedly ahead ignoring the tear shining down his cheek.

 

Dean swallowed, assuming an identical position., “Look, Sammy...” he shook his head, “I never meant to hurt you, this is just something I've gotta do...”

 

“Yeah,” Sam's voice cracked, “Yeah; I know,” he angrily swiped his sleeve over his cheek.

 

“And, if you think about it,” Dean looked at him, at his profile, “In two years, you're gonna do the same thing.” He chuckled, “Or three if you take a year off like I did... Not that you would, Geek Boy.”

 

Sam barely let a smile tinge his cheeks, “Jerk.”

 

“Bitch.” This time Sam flat out grinned. “We okay, Sammy?”

 

“Yeah... I'm just gonna miss you, you know?”

 

Dean nodded, “Yeah...” Sam looked at him for the first time, “I know, Sammy; I'm gonna miss you, too.”

 

They stood up, “Damn it, Sam; what have I told you?” Sam rolled his eyes and chuckled, “No chick flick moments.”

 

“No chick flick moments, exactly. Now, here,” he whipped something at Sam. He caught it without thinking. Keys. “Dean, what...?”

 

Dean didn't answer right away, opting instead to take a moment and cram the empty laundry basket on to the passenger's seat of the truck. “Mom said I could take the truck; more room stuff, you know?” Sam nodded, still bewildered. “So, I figured, you could use a pair of wheels...”

 

His brow furrowed, and then it hit him, “Dean, no.”

 

“It's not a request, Sammy.” He stared his younger brother down, “I'm not bringing my baby on campus to get wrecked by some drunk frat brother.”

 

Sam stared at the keys in his hand. “So, you thought I could use some wheels...?” he let one eyebrow raise as he looked at Dean.

 

Dean shrugged, “Well, yeah; that too.” He slammed the door, and turned to look at him. “Look, Sammy, I know this is gonna be different, and, yeah, it's probably gonna suck; but it's not like we're not gonna see each other... Breaks, weekends...

 

“You can come stay with me whenever you want...” Sam nodded, his finger's tightening around the keys. He clenched his jaw and fought back the tears again. 

 

This was a first... Dean was flat out lying to him.

 

Dean wasn't going to come home on weekends, or on breaks; that's when they hunted. Mom never let it interfere with their school work, but she still took them hunting as often as possible. Dean wasn't going to give that up. Hell, if he could he probably would've made it his career.

 

Dean slowly turned around, and lifted his head; he knew he was lying, and he knew Sam knew it too. He licked his lips, and sighed, holding his arms out.

 

Sam sprinted into them, gravel shooting up under his feet. He clutched his brother like he didn't know when he was going to see him again, because, in all honesty, he didn't know when he would see Dean again. 

 

Dean held him just as tightly; he and Sam had never not gone on a hunt together... And it wasn't that he didn't think his mom was a good hunter, or that Sammy wasn't... It was just that Dean was used to being there, and now... Well, now he wasn't going to be...

 

He sniffed as manly as he could and clapped Sam on the back before releasing him. Sam squeezed him tightly and then released him, not bothering to hide his tears this time.

 

Dean cleared his throat and walked around to the drivers side and opened the door. “Mom!”

 

Mary came out with a soft smile on her face, “Ready?”

 

“Yeah, I guess so,” Dean cast a long look at Sam, who was staring at him intently, before hugging his mom. “Bye, guys, I'll talk to you soon.”

 

He climbed into the truck and set the music before pulling out. Mary wrapped her arm around Sam's waist, and they stood there watching him pull out. Sam with his jaw clenched, a tear sliding down his cheek, and Mary with a proud smile on her face.

 

Dean swallowed thickly and tossed one last wave as he drove down the street.

 

Sam wiped his tears off, and then tossed Mary's arm from around him, sprinting up to the house.

 

“Sam? What's wrong?” she asked, bewildered.

 

“He wasn't supposed to leave me!” came the broken reply just before the front door slammed.


	2. And So it Begins...

  
Author's notes: DEDICATIONS: I have to dedicate this to "Huntress", "spikewil", and "CatherineWinner" for their reviews. Thank you so so much.

* * *

TITLE: Here Without You

 

RATING: NC-17; you have to wait for it tho. More plot than porn, however, porn is so much fun.

 

SUMMARY: Total AU... Wincest ensues. Oh, and I made Sam 16 when Dean is 19. I know it's only one year... but, well, it seemed to work better for this, sorry if that bugs you.

 

DEDICATIONS: I have to dedicate this to r0;timmer1;, fairyofmusic, r0; '-'IncubusHelen'-' r0;, and r0;random-laughterr1; for their reviews. And to those lovely six who added me to their alert lists. Thank you all so so much.

 

\-----

 

CHAPTER ONE: And So it Begins...

 

\-----

 

Sam was in bed, surprise surprise. He sighed and looked at the ceiling. So this was it, this was what it was like waking up nine days after your brother left for college and you had talked to him once. 

 

The room was still dark, the sun wasn't even up yet, but Sam knew he couldn't sleep... He never could anymore. He sighed again and sat up, the weight of the shadowy bags under his eyes causing him to slouch. He kicked the thin sheet from around his waist and walked to his desk, sinking into the seat and opening his laptop. He nudged the small touch screen and it quietly whirred to life. He signed into his two instant messengers, and the second immediately alerted him to a new message. 

 

r0;Damn spammers,r1; he muttered, clicking on the notice and waiting for his mail box to load.

 

r0;Next Weekendr1; the subject line on his new message read. He had selected it to be deleted, but then he saw the message service. **@kansasu.com**.

 

**@KANSASU.COM?!**

 

There was no way... he clicked on it and waited, his heart not beating as it loaded.

 

_r0;Hey, Sammy,_

_r0;I know I haven't talked to you in a while, but I'm saying something now... Man, college is busy as hell. Even when you aren't in class you're thinking about class._

_r0;The homework is insane; either they don't assign any and you bomb the tests, or they assign a ten-page paper every damn week._

_r0;On the plus side, parties here are unbelievable.r1;_ Sam smirked slightly.

 

_r0;Anyway, I been thinkin', Sammy, you'd love it here. The library has a whole shit load of books just waiting to be read by someone, and I think someone should use my library card; 'cause you know I'm not going to.r1;_ Sam smirked again, that was true.

 

_r0;There's a party in my dorm this weekend, and I was thinking that my geekboy brother could use some under-age drinkin' on his resume._

_r0;And if that doesn't get you -but I don't know how drunkinly reading Billy Shakespear wouldn't get you here, perhaps my lovely company will?_

_r0;Either way, get back to me._

_r0;Deanr1;_

 

Sam stared at the screen. His brother wanted him to come visit him because there was a party?

 

r0;Seriously?r1; Sam uttered. That was it? A party?

 

He scrolled down to close the message, and then he felt like an ass.

 

_"Miss ya, Sammy.r1;_

 

And there was that small sentence too. Sam felt himself smile for the first time in over a week.

 

He clicked reply instead of close.

 

_r0;Dean,_

_r0;Took you long enough, asshole...r1;_

 

\-----

 

Sam was twitchy the entire day, all he wanted to do was get home and check his email. Dean would have had ample time to have read his message by then.

 

Thankfully, it was his last period and he was about to take off. Five minutes left; he didn't know how he made it that long... He slid his math book into the camouflage backpack Dean had picked out for him when they were hunting a skin-walker in Greensboro, North Carolina. 

 

That was a good time. He rolled his eyes and flipped his pen in his hand. That was the first time Mom had ever let us go on a hunt alone, he thought. And it wasn't that bad... They stumbled across the skin walker that Thursday night, silver bullet to the heart and the jig was up for that r0;evil son of a bitchr1; as Dean so eloquently put it. 

 

That was also the first time Dean all out lied to Mom, he realized with a jot, the pen spinning faster now. Dean had called that night and said they hadn't found it yet. Mary believed him, wasn't really hard to believe... He had spent the night with his brother drinking from a twenty four pack of bottles Dean sweet talked some woman into buying for him.

 

They talked about do much random shit that night... 

 

They had started off talking about the job....And that's when he'd brought up Dad.

 

Sam had never asked Dean any questions about John... He knew better.

 

But then he'd gotten drunk. First damn time too, just after he turned sixteen. 

 

That was the first time he'd ever seen the chink in Dean's armour... It was also the first night he'd heard the whole story about Dad's death... His murder. He wasn't sure which was scarier.

 

He'd known bit's and pieces of the story; knew that that was the reason Mary had pulled Dean and Sam hunting once they got old enough.

 

But that night... That night Dean had looked at him over the beer bottle as they sat on the king bed and he realized that this was something Sam needed to talk about, something he needed to hear, because everyday that he didn't know something was a day that he questioned everything; his ignorance was like a wound and everyday that passed was a new disease that infected it, and the more pain it caused. 

 

And there was only one thing that Dean hated more than Sam in pain, and that was knowing that he could have done something to stop him from hurting.

 

So he told him.

 

Told him how he had snuck into Sam's nursery to still his cries before his parent woke up. Sam smiled at that , even when Dean was a kid he'd wanted to protect him. But then Dean had gotten really serious, couldn't even look at Sam, opting instead to stare at his empty beer bottle. 

 

*** __

_r0;It's like this, Sam... Dad, he ran into the room calling out Mom's name... But then he smiled, musta realized that... That she wasn't there, that it had been a dream... A nightmare._

_r0;He walked over to your crib, and he smiled down at you... And he said,r1; Dean swallowed hard, and Sam moved to sit next to him, Dean glanced at him, teary eyed and then back down at his bottle, r0;He said that whenever he lost mom... All he had to do was look at you or me, and there she'd be... Or if he lost you -he never lost me, I used to annoy the crap out of him- all he had to do was find her, and there you'd be..._

_r0;He said that he never got to get your cries because she'd always get them first... And then he laughed._

_r0;That's when I saw him, the demon... He was in the doorway behind him. I couldn't say anything, I was confused..._

_r0;Dad turned around and saw him, and he yelled... I don't know what he yelled, I just know he did..._

_r0;And then Mom came, and she yelled, r0;Hey!r1; and the demon turned around and smirked, waving his hand and Mom slammed into the wall...r1;I told you to leave him the hell alone!r1; she screamed, and Dad... He tried to sneak up on the demon and that didn't make him too happy..._

_r0;He made this long streak across Dad's chest... and slammed him into the wall._

_r0;Mom... she screamed, and... And the demon looked at her and tsked... He wagged his finger at her. She tried to get off the wall, and the demon..._

_r0;It just looked at Dad ... and touched him... Just touched him... that's when the fire started..._

_r0;And the demon looked at Mom and... It just disapeared..._

_r0;And she fell off... She fell off the wall...r1; Sam was watching Dean intently, wrapping his arm around his brother when he saw the first tear finally fall. Dean's voice was broken, so filed with pain._

_r0;And she ran over to you... Leaned over and scooped you up... She got you just in time..._

_r0;Right in time, Sammy... She got you and it burst into flames..._

_r0;That's when she saw me... She ran over to me and... And she put you in my arms... and I... She told me too take you outside... To go as fast as I could..._

_r0;So I did... I have never... Never run that fast...r1; Dean scrubbed his hand over his face, and collapsed against Sam. And even as he laid against his brother, he didn't sob as the tears fell, he was just breathing raggedly as he tried to keep it all in._

__***

 

Sam wiped at a tear that escaped him, and slid his pen and notebook into his bag and slung it over his shoulder as the bell rang; freedom.

 

Sam walked out to the impala and sat down after opening the creaky door. He drove home about as fast as Dean generally drove.

 

He was home in record time.

 

r0;Sam, is that you?r1; Mary called as he slammed the front door behind him as he ran up the stairs.

 

r0;Yeah!r1; he yelled and closed his bedroom door.

 

He sat down at the laptop and waited impaciently as it rebooted. Then he sat there and waited for his mail box to load... 

 

There was nothing there, nothing new.

 

Sam took of his backpack and tossed it onto his bed as he flopped down next to it, unbelievable.


	3. What the Hell?

TITLE: Here Without You

 

RATING: NC-17; you have to wait for it tho. More plot than porn, however, porn is so much fun.

 

SUMMARY: Total AU... Wincest ensues. Oh, and I made Sam 16 when Dean is 19. I know it's only one year... but, well, it seemed to work better for this, sorry if that bugs you.

 

DEDICATIONS: I have to dedicate this to “fairyofmusic”, “random-laughter”, “ '-'IncubusHelen'-' “, “SUPERNATANGEL67”, and “Creeno” for their reviews. And to those lovely twelve who added me to their alert lists, not to mention the favorite adds. Thank you all so so much.

 

\-----

 

CHAPTER TWO: What the Hell?

 

\-----

 

Sam sighed, looking at the shadows crossing his ceiling as the sun set. His brother was officially an ass. You can't invite someone to a party and then ignore them, that's just not what you do.

 

Sam rolled over, his back to his window and tucked his arm under his head. He rolled his eyes and sighed again, starring straight at his open laptop. He kicked his backpack to the ground and then stood and walked over to it. He ran his finger over the touch pad, and it whirred, hiding the screen-saver once more. He clicked onto his myspace, glancing over it. 

 

All of his top eight were friends of Dean's, had left with him to go to college. Sam really didn't like kids his own age, they acted like real pains in the ass. Dean's friends were pains, too; but they hung out with Dean, so they were pains he could deal with. 

 

There was nothing new, shocking. 

 

Sam X-ed out and stood and turned back to his bed, and heard Mary call, “Sam, dinner's ready!”

 

“I'm not hungry.” He hollered back, flopping on his bed once again. 

 

\-----

 

It was maybe ten o'clock when Sam peeled his eyes open once again, he huffed and stood, rolling the crick out of his neck.

 

He walked to the door; his throat was surprisingly dry. As he slunk down the hall, not wanting to alert his mother to the fact he was up and about, he noticed the light on downstairs. He crept over to the railing and listened.

 

“No, Viv; I'm just trying to figure it out,” Mary said quietly, the sound of the fridge closing punctuated her statement. “I mean, I know all of Sam's friends went the same way as Dean, but Sam used to talk to me.” She stopped, and Sam imagined she was on the phone. “Well, he hasn't said anything, that's what's bothering me. I think it's all that combined that's really getting to him. ... I just wish he would talk to me, I know he's a teenage and talking to your mom is practically punishment at that age, but I think it would help.” 

 

Sam huffed again and pushed himself off the railing; screw his friends, he'd ditch them all if it meant he could have Dean back. He walked back to his room and snapped his laptop shut on his way back to the bed. 

 

He lay back down on his bed, and pulled a pillow over his head.

 

\-----

 

Sam leaned against the impala impatiently sipping coffee as he waited for Dean. He took a last swallow and whipped the empty paper cup into the trash. He crossed his arms and stared at his feet for a moment before looking up once more. Was that-? It was. 

 

There was Dean in his patented distressed leather jacket and jeans. Had he been noticed yet? No. Sam smiled, dimples framing his pearly whites. 

 

There it was, Dean did a double take as he saw Sam. Then he smiled and swiftly walked in his direction, speed walking and the half sprinting. 

 

“What the hell are you doing here, Sammy?” Dean called as he got closer. 

 

Sam laughed and pushed himself off the car as Dean came to a stop in front of him. They stared at each other for a moment, “Missed you, Jerk.”

 

“Bitch,” Dean smirked, and pulled his brother against him, they're lips meeting in a hot kiss. 

 

Sam closed his eyes and opened his lips. The way Dean kissed him, it was like he was pulling his souls from deep within him up and into his heart. The sweetness from Sam's coffee mixed with the spice of Dean's mint gum to make a heady mixture. Sam pivoted his head and clutched Dean's coat pulling him harder against him. Dean tangled his hands in Sam's slightly shaggy hair. Sam reveled at the feeling at the feeling of his brother's large calloused hands against his skin.

 

He whimpered slightly and pushed his hands under the back of Dean's jacket. 

 

Dean pulled back, perfect heart shaped lips swollen, bruised, and slightly parted as he pulled in a breath. “Missed you, too, Sammy,” he breathed before pulling Sam back into another harsh yet love-filled kiss. 

 

Sam sat up in bed, blinking against the harsh sunlight against his eyes. _**What the hell was that?**_


	4. Wish I was Special...

TITLE: Here Without You

 

RATING: NC-17; you have to wait for it tho. More plot than porn, however, porn is so much fun.

 

SUMMARY: Total AU... Wincest ensues. Oh, and I made Sam 16 when Dean is 19. I know it's only one year... but, well, it seemed to work better for this, sorry if that bugs you.

 

DEDICATIONS: I have to dedicate this to "CatherineWinner". She's read practically everything -if not actually everything- that I've written. ... Plus, she's awesome. Love y'all

 

PS: I'm baaaaaaaaack!!

 

\-----

 

CHAPTER THREE: Wish I was special...

 

\-----

 

Sam sat in his bed, sweat running down his chest to a bulge in his sleep pants that he refused to acknowledge. He felt... _Dirty_...

 

He scrubbed a hand over his face and pulled his backpack onto his bed. He rummaged through his bedside table until he found what he was looking for. He pulled out his head phones and soon enough a song was blasting through his skull. The only song that fit him at that moment.

 

“ _When you were here before... Couldn't look you in the eye... Just like an angel... You skin makes me cry..._ ” Sam laid back, turning up the volume. “ _...I wish I was special... You're so fuckin' special..._

 

“ _But I'm a ***creep***! I'm a weirdo... What the hell am I doing here? I don't belong here..._ ”

 

“ _I don't care if it hurts..._ ” He stared at the ceiling above him, “ _I want you to notice... when I'm not around... You're so fuckin' special... I wish I was special..._

 

“ _But I'm a **creep**... I'm a weirdo... What the hell am I doing here? I don't belong here..._ ” Sam tried to ignore the feelings clogging his throat. “ _ **RuuuuuUUUUN!!**_

 

“ _Whatever makes you happy... Whatever you want... You're so fuckin' special... I wish I was special..._

 

“ _But I'm a creep... I'm a weirdo... What the hell am I doing here? I don't belong here... I don't_ belong _here..._ ” Sam quickly set it back up and soon enough the words were screaming in his head again. He rolled his neck to either side cracking it and then walked over to his laptop. Merely out of habit, he logged on to both of his instant messengers as the guitar “Chun-nugn”ed ominously in his ears. He was alerted to mail in his inbox, and tried to pretend that his heart didn't skip a beat.

 

“So, I might be an asshole...” Sam smiled at the first subject line that jumped out at him. And then he finally noticed who it was from.

 

How he hadn't processed earlier that it wasn't just from “@KansasU.com” -duh- it wasn't from “DeanWinchester” or “Dwinchester” or even “DeanImpala”... No, it was from “SammysBrother@KansasU.com” Sam pulled in a deep breath, and didn't even try to keep the huge smile off his face.

 

He quickly clicked on the message.

 

“ _Well, Sammy..._

_“I may be an asshole, but only because I suck. Wait, what? I don't know, that made no sense. Fuck, I can't even think._

_“Anywho... Thanks for pointing out it's underage drinking for me too, bitch. Does that mean you'll come for the party?_

_“If you want to use my library card, you have to chill at the party for a while._

_“So... Deal?_

_“Get back to me. Dean_ ”

 

Sam stared at it a moment and then hit reply.

 

“ _Dean,_

_“Jerk._

_“Does that mean you're going to talk to Mom?_

_“Sam. (Not Sammy, get over it.)_ ”

 

He hit send and then pulled his head phones out. So, maybe he was a creep... But at least Dean wasn't gonna freak out on him anytime soon-

 

His head whipped up as his computer chimed, alerting him to a new message. From Dean.

 

“ _What the hell are you doing up, SamMY?_ ”

 

Sam growled, as if Dean could hear him, “ _Not sleeping, you?_ ”

 

A moment later his computer chimed again, “ _Here, get on the Kansas U messenger. I made you a screen name._ ”

 

Sam laughed as when he saw it, but quickly downloaded the messenger and logged on. 

 

USER NAME : DeansBrother

PASSWORD : Impala


	5. Oh, Sammy; Think Before You Type

TITLE: Here Without You

 

RATING: NC-17; you have to wait for it tho. More plot than porn, however, porn is so much fun.

 

SUMMARY: Total AU... Wincest ensues. Oh, and I made Sam 16 when Dean is 19. I know it's only one year... but, well, it seemed to work better for this, sorry if that bugs you.

 

DEDICATIONS: Hmm... I'll go with Rachel. The admin to this site, my favorite site -possibly- ever.

 

PS: If you know why I chose these two colors, I'm giving you a cookie. A virtual one as I don't really want you to know where I live, but a cookie all the same.

 

\-----

 

CHAPTER FOUR: Oh, Sammy; Think before you type

 

\-----

 

**SammysBrother:** So, what are you doing up again, idiot?

 

**DeansBrother:** Weird dreams. You?

 

**SammysBrother:** What? Like a nightmare?

 

**DeansBrother:** Yes.

 

**DeansBrother:** Well, no.

 

**DeansBrother:** I don't know.

 

**SammysBrother:** Well, that made sense.

 

**SammysBrother:** What's going on with you?

 

**DeansBrother:** I don't know... 

 

**DeansBrother:** So, this party?

 

**SammysBrother:** Yeah, it's supposed to be this best thing since sliced bread.

 

**SammysBrother:** Thought you might like it.

 

**DeansBrother:** Oh, you did?

 

**SammysBrother:** Well...

 

**SammysBrother:** Okay, no.

 

**SammysBrother:** But it gives us a good excuse for mom.

 

**SammysBrother:** You know, you can see the campus and your friends and stuff.

 

**DeansBrother:** And you.

 

**SammysBrother:** And me.

 

**DeansBrother:** Doesn't sound all that bad. 

 

**DeansBrother:** You really think Mom'll go for it, though?

 

**SammysBrother:** Don't see why not.

 

**SammysBrother:** She's worried about you man. Talked to Cassie's mom.

 

**DeansBrother:** Yeah, I know. I over-heard.

 

**SammysBrother:** Over heard or _Over heard_?

 

**DeansBrother:** lol

 

**DeansBrother:** No

 

**DeansBrother:** It really was an accident.

 

**SammysBrother:** What happened?

 

**DeansBrother:** Nothing much.

 

**DeansBrother:** Woke up and went to get some food. Before I got downstairs I heard her on the phone.

 

**DeansBrother:** I don't really know what to say to her, you know?

 

**SammysBrother:** Well, what's wrong with you?

 

**DeansBrother:** Bitch.

 

**SammysBrother:** Jerk.

 

**DeansBrother:** Nothing's wrong with me.

 

**SammysBrother:** Bull

 

**SammysBrother:** Shit.

 

**SammysBrother:** Talk to me, Sammy.

 

**DeansBrother:** Dean

 

**DeansBrother:** If I could explain it, I would.

 

**DeansBrother:** But I can't, so... I won't.

 

**SammysBrother:** Not even a hint?

 

**DeansBrother:** Can I be really -and I mean _really_ vague?

 

**SammysBrother:** Do you have to be?

 

Sam bit his lip, fingers poised over the keys.

 

**DeansBrother:** Um

 

**DeansBrother:** Yeah

 

**DeansBrother:** Pretty much.

 

**SammysBrother:** Then go for it. Spill.

 

**DeansBrother:** Well, I realized that I'm in love with someone.

 

**SammysBrother:** How is that a bad thing?

 

**DeansBrother:** You ever been in love?

 

**SammysBrother:** Good point. 

 

**SammysBrother:** Continue.

 

**DeansBrother:** Well, I just...

 

**DeansBrother:** : I don't know, man.

 

**DeansBrother:** I don't know what to do.

 

**SammysBrother:** Does she know?

 

**DeansBrother:** No.

 

**DeansBrother:** They don't know.

 

**SammysBrother:** Then maybe you should tell her.

 

**DeansBrother:** I can't tell them.

 

**SammysBrother:** Why can't you tell her, Sammy?

 

**DeansBrother:** I just can't tell them, Dean; trust me.

 

**SammysBrother:** : I do trust you, Sammy.

 

**SammysBrother:** But that's just stupid. 

 

**DeansBrother:** Oh?

 

**DeansBrother:** Why's that?

 

**SammysBrother:** Who doesn't want to hear that some one loves them?

 

DeansBrother: What if someone you weren't in love with told you that they loved you?

 

**SammysBrother:** Okay

 

**SammysBrother:** Good point.

 

**SammysBrother:** I'll give you that.

 

**SammysBrother:** But what girl wouldn't love you, Sammy?

 

**DeansBrother:** I don't care about a girl, Dean.

 

**SammysBrother:** What's that?

 

"Whoops... Don't type before you think, Sam," he muttered to himself.

 

**DeansBrother:** Dean...

 

**DeansBrother:** If I wanted a girl, don't you think I would have gone for someone by now?

 

**SammysBrother:** You could be a late bloomer.

 

**DeansBrother:** What?

 

**SammysBrother:** I don't know!

 

**SammysBrother:** What am I supposed to say?

 

**DeansBrother:** Why say anything?

 

**DeansBrother:** I didn't say anything when I found out you were bi, did I?

 

**SammysBrother:** What's that?

 

**DeansBrother:** Oh, please.

 

**DeansBrother:** If it's pretty and you can, you fuck it.

 

**SammysBrother:** How long have you known?

 

**DeansBrother:** Seriously?

 

**SammysBrother:** Yeah!

 

**SammysBrother:** I didn't know you knew.

 

**DeansBrother:** How could I not! Are you kidding?!

 

**DeansBrother:** I've known since I was like thirteen, dude.

 

**DeansBrother:** And it probably only took me that long because I didn't know what it meant before that.

 

**SammysBrother:** Shit, man...

 

**DeansBrother:** What? 

 

**DeansBrother:** I just told you I think I'm gay and -what- you're surprised that I'm okay with you being bi?

 

**SammysBrother:** Not that you're okay with it.

 

**SammysBrother:** That you knew.

 

**DeansBrother:** I repeat, how could I not?

 

**DeansBrother:** You have more sex than Jay masturbates.

 

**SammysBrother:** True.

 

**SammysBrother:** But that would make you Silent Bob... So, no.

 

**DeansBrother:** Whatever.

 

**DeansBrother:** You get the point.

 

**SammysBrother:** So...

 

**DeansBrother:** So, what?

 

**SammysBrother:** Who's the lucky guy?

 

**DeansBrother:** I should go.

 

**DeansBrother:** To bed.

 

**SammysBrother:** Don't run away.

 

**SammysBrother:** If you don't want to answer, then don't.

 

**SammysBrother:** But don't hide from me, man.

 

**DeansBrother:** Look

 

**DeansBrother:** Dean

 

**DeansBrother:** I want to, but I can't.

 

That was a lie. A big one. Even if he could, he didn't ever want his *brother* to know that he was in love with him.

 

**SammysBrother:** Okay.

 

**DeansBrother:** You aren't okay with that, are you?

 

**SammysBrother:** Not really.

 

**SammysBrother:** But I'd rather talk to you and be pissy than be pissy and _not_ be talking to you.

 

Sam sat back, a grin on his face. Dean may not be _in_ love with him, but he did love him.

 

**DeansBrother:** So, about this party?

 

**SammysBrother:** What about it?

 

**DeansBrother:** Well, I should probably know what the plan is, right? 


	6. Think, Sam, THINK!

TITLE: Here Without You

 

RATING: NC-17; you have to wait for it tho. More plot than porn, however, porn is so much fun.

 

SUMMARY: Total AU... Wincest ensues. Oh, and I made Sam 16 when Dean is 19. I know it's only one year... but, well, it seemed to work better for this, sorry if that bugs you.

 

DEDICATIONS: Hmm... Have ta stick with Rachel. The admin to this site, my favorite site -possibly- ever.

 

\-----

 

CHAPTER FIVE: Think, Sam, THINK!

 

\-----

 

Sam sat up slowly, his back cracking in several places as he did. "Urgh," he groaned, sitting up at his desk. 

 

He and Dean had sat up instant messaging until....well, until he fell asleep apparently. He ran a finger over the touch pad, and watched it all come back into focus...

 

**SammysBrother:** Dude, I am about to fall asleep.

 

**DeansBrother:** Yeah, me too.

 

Sam yawned, and rubbed his eyes, but made no move to go to bed.

 

**SammysBrother:** So, I'll call Mom tomorrow morning?

 

**SammysBrother:** Well, this morning?

 

**DeansBrother:** Sounds good...

 

**DeansBrother:** You going to bed?

 

**SammysBrother:** No.

 

**DeansBrother:** Me either...

 

**SammysBrother:** So, you taking care of my baby?

 

**SammysBrother:** Sammy?

 

**SammysBrother:** Sam?

 

**SammysBrother:** That's really not funny, Sam.

 

**SammysBrother:** Did you fall asleep?

 

User ' **DeansBrother** ' is Idle.

 

**SammysBrother:** I'm taking that as a yes. Good night, Sammy. See you later today.

 

User ' **SammysBrother** ' has logged off.

 

Sam shook his head, feeling the fool. 

 

He couldn't believe that'd he'd fallen asleep on Dean. He sucked. He squinted at the light streaming in through his windows. He'd had two hours of sleep if that... 

 

So why had he woken up?

 

He sniffed, bacon... His mom was making... _Bacon_? What?

 

He glanced at the clock, it was nine. So he'd gotten three hours of sleep, same difference. He stood up and walked down stairs.

 

"Mom? What are you...?" he trailed off when she motioned to him, she was on the phone. So that was why he'd woken up. Dean was nothing if not a man of his word.

 

He sat down on a stool at the counter.

 

"Well, I'll talk to him and call you back, okay? ... Okay, sweetie. I'll talk to you again soon? ... Good boy. Have a good day, Dean." She clicked off the phone and cracked an egg before Sam spoke up.

 

"Was that Dean, then? How's he?"

 

"Sammy..." She said, checking a pancake. "You are an awful liar. You know it was."

 

Sam blushed, "So I guess he asked about me going to see him?"

 

"MmHmm."

 

"And what did you say?" he tried to sound like he didn't care either way; he failed miserably, but he tried. 

 

"I said that I would have to talk to you." She flipped a pancake and then turned to look at him. "Did you know you have an imprint of your keyboard on your face?"

 

Sam flushed, and rubbed at his face. "So, can I go?"

 

"I don't know. Can you?"

 

Sam rolled his eyes, "Sorry, may I go?"

 

Mary sighed, "That's not what I meant."

 

"Oh... What did you mean?"

 

"Well, you're more like yourself today, but... Sammy, I'm worried about you... You've been acting so strangely lately."

 

"Sorry," he muttered, feeling awkward.

 

Mary sighed again, and slid the pancake onto a plate and handed it to him, pouring another. "I don't want you to be sorry, Sammy... I want you to talk to me, you used to talk to me."

 

"I... I know..." Sam was lucky this conversation was as tense as it was, if it hadn't been she would surely notice that while he wasn't lying to her, he wasn't telling her the full truth either. "I just, I used to talk to Dean first, and he and I weren't talking, so..."

 

Mary looked at him sharply, the hair she'd half pulled back let loose a few strands falling into her eyes, "I take it that it was him you fell asleep talking to on your computer, then?" Sam nodded, picking at his pancake with his fork. "Ah... Well," Mary poured herself some orange juice and sipped it as she checked the eggs, "That's good..."

 

He could hear the hurt in her voice, and knew that he was the reason it was there... Still, he knew only half truths would work from now on in their relationship. It wasn't like he could tell his mother that he was in love with her other son.

 

Because he was. In love with Dean. Sam dropped his fork in surprise.

 

He was in love with Dean... Totally and completely. When he'd half talked it out with Dean yesterday, he'd just been saying that because he didn't know what was between having a crush and falling in love with some one was classified as... But he didn't care about that now, because he was in love with Dean. _Shit_

 

Mary looked at him, and he gave her a weak smile as he picked the fork up again. "You still want to talk, then?" he asked.

 

Mary turned off the stove, slid the two eggs on to Sam's plate and scooped two pancakes on to her own. "I would, yes... But only if it's what you want."

 

He walked over to the table with her, sitting at the other side. The top had been John's, and the bottom was Dean's. No seat switching. Ever.

 

He sighed, licked his lips, and all around stalled until Mary looked like she was going to strangle him.

 

"Mom... I have to tell you something."

 

Mary set her fork down, looking at him with panic in her eyes. She took a deep breath and let it out slowly, "Okay."

 

"Mom... Mom, I love you... And I..." Sam paused, half truths. "I'm gay."

 

Mary practically cried in relief. "Oh, thank god. You boys and your building it up like I'm going to disown you because you like-" She froze.

 

"Dean told me about him."

 

She smiled, "Did he tell you how he told me?"

 

"No... How did he?"

 

Mary chuckled, "I came home from work with take out, but he'd already made dinner and sent you up to bed. You were ten, I guess. I was scared out of my mind. What thirteen year old kid makes dinner and sends his brother to bed without being asked? And he sat me down in the living room and held my hand and said, "Mom... I love you, but there's something you should know. I'm... I'm bisexual." She laughed again. "I was so relieved, I thought that maybe someone had died... And then I was sad, not because he was bi... But because at the age of thirteen he had seen so much, and been forced to grow up so fast that he knew that."

 

Sam nodded, he'd never thought of it like that. Dean never really was a kid, not really. He could act immature at times... But it was only ever acting, he never really was. 

 

"There... There's a bit more." The words were out of Sam's mouth before he could stop them.

 

_Shit._


	7. Slips and Grips

TITLE: Here Without You

 

RATING: NC-17; you have to wait for it though. More plot than porn, however, porn is so much fun.

 

SUMMARY: Total AU... Wincest ensues. Oh, and I made Sam 16 when Dean is 19. I know it's only one year... but, well, it seemed to work better for this, sorry if that bugs you.

 

DEDICATIONS: Stickin' with Rachel. The admin to this site, my favorite site -possibly- ever.

 

\-----

 

CHAPTER SIX: Slips and Grips

 

\-----

 

Well, Sam might have been in love with his brother but he wasn't an idiot.

 

"There's more? Do... Do you have a boyfriend?"

 

"No!" Sam flushed, "I just... Well, I'm in love with someone..."

 

"Oh..." A look of clarity dropped on to Mary's face, "Did he go to college? I know most of Dean's friend's are your friends, too. Is that why you've been so bummed? You needed your brother to talk to but he was at college?"

 

Sam nodded, thankful that this little half truth worked for him and her. She looked at him sadly, "Does he know?"

 

"No..." Sam said quietly, his mind adding the _at least I hope not..._

 

She laid her hand on his shoulder, and rubbed it with her thumb, ignoring Sam's further blush at the petting. "So, you want to go to Dean's party?"

 

He nodded enthusiastically. "Okay then, but on one condition."

 

"What's that?" His voice was shaking, what if she wanted to know who it was?

 

"You start talking to me again, Sam... I miss it more than you'd probably believe." Sam hid a sigh of relief. He could definitely do that. "Sure thing, Mom. I'm gonna go call Dean."

 

Sam bolted before she could say another word, he ran up stairs grabbing the phone as he went.

 

"And that's all the talking we're doing today, I guess." Sam froze on the top landing, guilt filling him, but then he hurried to his room and looked up his brother's dorm number on the computer.

 

" _Hello?_ "

 

"Hi, is Dean there?"

 

" _Did you forget my voice already, Sammy?_ "

 

Sam flushed, "Just wanted to make sure it was you."

 

" _It's me._ " Sam could hear Dean settle, sitting down somewhere. " _So, did Mom give in?_ "

 

"Of course, she did. I think the fact that you called her really helped, she isn't stupid; she knows you want to take me and get drunk."

 

" _Actually, she probably thinks I miss the Impala._ "

 

"What?" Sam flopped onto his bed.

 

" _Well, I was thinking I'd come pick you up, leave the truck and drive us back in the Impala._ "

 

"You really must miss your baby," Sam teased, but his breath caught when Dean whispered, " _Almost as much as I miss you._ "

 

When he could breathe again, his breaths were low and ragged, as if he'd been running a mile. Dean noticed, " _You okay, Sammy?_ "

 

"Hmm? Yeah," Sam shook his head.

 

" _Did you hear me?_ "

 

"Yeah," Sam breathed, still having a hard time believing that Dean had, in fact, said what he thought he'd heard.

 

" _So, what'll you think she'll make?_ "

 

"What?" Okay, that didn't make any sense.

 

" _I said, what do you think Mom'll make for dinner when I come to get you._ "

 

"Oh..." So he hadn't said he missed Sam more than the Impala, and while Sam hadn't really believed he would, for a second -just a second- he honestly believed it. "I don't know, want me to plant any ideas?"

 

" _I miss home cooking, man... Even her casseroles._ "

 

"Ugh, even her casseroles?" Sam grimaced so loudly, he swore even Dean could hear it. Dean chuckled, " _Especially her awful casseroles._ "

 

Sam pulled a cover down and climbed under it, closing his eyes as Dean vented a while about how bad the food was at school…

 

When Sam woke up, he stretched soundly and picked up the phone; weirdly enough the battery hadn’t died, and it was still on. He held it to his ear, listening. 

 

He had to close his eyes against the wave of emotion that crashed over him. Dean’s breaths were low and even, slowed in sleep.

 

Christ, the man even sounded sexy when he was sleeping. Sam released a shuddering sigh, his thumb hovering over the power button. But he couldn’t do it, just as he finally worked up the power end the connection, Dean murmured a little, and the sound bringing him this much closer to the phone he must have dropped in sleep.

 

Sam sighed again, a little happy sound that he couldn’t help but make. Suddenly, just as his eyes closed and he settled back onto the bed, the phone gave an angry beep and turned off.

 

Sam picked it up and pouted at it. Then an idea came to him, and the pout left the building.

 

It was just after midnight, on a Wednesday- Well, Thursday now, he supposed- but he knew what he had to do, and Mom was going to kill him. 

 

…

 

…

 

…

 

Oh, well; it was more than worth it.

 

Sam changed quickly, pulling on a pair of jeans and a blue stripped shirt over his gray v-neck. He picked up the pair of boots that Dean had given him. He never wore them, so he actually had them in his room instead of by the door like the rest of his shoes. He slipped downstairs, not turning on any lights and left his mom a note, just in case he didn’t make it to school. 

 

_**Went to visit Dean** _

 

Sam made sure not to let the keys jingle as he slipped out the side door. But of course all his sneaking abilities were put to waste when the Impala purred to life.

 

As he pulled down the driveway, he saw the light in his mother’s room flip on.

 

He drove down the roads and highway a little more than was safe, but still not anywhere as quickly as Dean drove.

 

All the same… Dawn was about to break when he nosed the car into the parking lot nearest Dean’s dorm. He couldn’t work up the nerve to go in yet, so he found a coffee cart.

 

You know, this was getting dangerously close to dream from the other night.

 

Sam sighed, but smiled at the tired cashier as told her to keep the change. He took his time walking to Dean’s dorm, and smiled at the tired group that trooped out the dorm wearing matching jogging suits. Sam couldn’t help but chuckle as he hurried up the steps to Dean’s floor.

 

He stacked the coffee, his in hand, Dean’s on top so he could grab it right away, and knocked.

 

And then he knocked again.

 

“I’m up, I’m up, hold on and Shut. Up.”

 

Sam flushed, even his neck felt hot. He felt like bolting, but even as his legs tensed to do so against his will the door swung open and he was standing there like an idiot.

 

And all the air rushed out of his lungs at the sight of Dean.

 

Fucking Dean. Gorgeous Fucking Dean. Dean who had just woken up, had rough stubble on his face, hair sticking up everywhere, no shirt on revealing those perfect god damned pecs, and boxer briefs slung low on his hips -obviously just pulled on boxer briefs- and still looked better than Sam could ever dream of looking.

 

“I- Uh-” Is what Sam meant to say, but it came out as more of a squeak as all of the blood in his brain flowed downwards. 

 

“Sammy?” Dean’s voice was scratchy, and his eyes squinted in sleep.

 

Sam nodded, not even attempting to speak.

 

Dean held the door open a moment longer and then released in and stepped foreword and gripped Sam’s shirt in both hands, crashing their mouths’ together. Sam dropped the coffee’s and by god did he kiss him back.

 

His hands flew up and around Dean’s neck as Dean released his vise grip on his shirt and grabbed Sam’s waistband, hands brushing his ass as he lifted him up easily and turned, the door slamming shut behind them as they were brought into his tiny dorm room.


	8. Lost and Found

TITLE: Here Without You

 

RATING: NC-17; you have to wait for it though. More plot than porn, however, porn is so much fun.

 

SUMMARY: Total AU... Wincest ensues. Oh, and I made Sam 16 when Dean is 19. I know it's only one year... but, well, it seemed to work better for this, sorry if that bugs you.

 

DEDICATIONS: Still Rachel of course!

 

\-----

 

CHAPTER SEVEN: Lost and Found

 

\-----

 

Sam shivered, goose bumps on his arms, as he pulled in a breath through his nose so he didn’t have to release Dean’s perfect fucking lips. Dean groaned and pulled his mouth back, but bit Sam’s lower lip and stretched it out for a moment before releasing it and pressed his forehead to Sam’s.

 

Sam’s eyes were wide and blown as he tried to focus on Dean. Dean’s face was so close, his freckles even appearing to blend into his flushed skin but Dean’s eyelashes were long and dark as they fanned out against his skin.

 

“Shit,” Dean murmured, pulling Sam with him as he moved to lean against the door. “I have got to stop having these dreams.”

 

Sam’s heart raced and stopped all at the same time. He pulled back, and Dean groaned, half heartedly trying to tug Sam back. “No, why are you leaving? You aren’t supposed to leave in the dream, you never leave in the dreams.”

 

“Dean?” Sam whispered, still not trusting his voice to not crack. 

 

Dean’s eyes flashed open and whatever blood was flushing his face drained. “This… Isn’t?”

 

“Huh-uh.” Sam shook his head.

 

“But you… Kissed me back…?”

 

“Uh-huh.” Sam nodded.

 

“But you’re… this really?”

 

“Uh-huh.” Sam nodded again.

 

“Buh… Uh…” Dean ran a hand through his hair and seemed to snap out of whatever dream state he still thought he was in; even his back straightened as he pushed off the door. 

You have to go,” he growled, holding the door open, but not moving from in front of it. “You have to go _now_.”

 

Sam shook his head, “Huh-uh.”

 

“Yes, it isn’t a request Samuel.”

 

“Oh, fuck you, Dean,” Anger and irritation choked him as he was full named by his brother.

 

“No,” Dean said, his hand falling off the door. He stepped foreword and gave Sam a sharp push. Sam grabbed Dean’s wrists as he fell back onto Dean’s small bed. He waited for the delicious impact, but it never came.

 

Years of hunting and protecting Sammy taught Dean how to fall, and in a way, the practiced fall was even more delicious than having all the breath in his body whoosh out of him as his brother fell against him.

 

Dean’s legs spread as he fell, so that he ended up straddling Sam’s trim hips; his hands fisting into Sam’s so that Sam’s hands were pressed harshly just below the pillow.

 

Sam could swear his cock was hard enough to break the damn zipper on his jeans. He groaned, and bit his lower lip around it.

 

“What do you think you’re doing, Sammy,” Dean ground out, unable to tear his eyes away from Sam’s mouth.

 

“Good question,” Sam whispered, “I guess I’m waiting to see if you’re going to punch me.”

 

Dean’s eyes met Sam’s, “Why the hell would I punch you?”

 

“Because I’m going to kiss you, and this time you won’t have the excuse of thinking you’re dreaming,” Sam breathed, almost unable to believe he had the balls to say it, especially when he was sure that he didn’t have the balls to follow through.

 

But then Dean’s breath became ragged, he gave a slow single nod and closed his eyes, inching his face just this much closer to Sam’s. Sam’s mind _screamed **fuck**_ but he followed through now, he fucking had to at this point.

 

And, oh dear sweet lord, was it worth it. 

 

Once Dean’s lips touched his… It was like some kind of fire swept through him. His eyes slammed shut as Dean’s tongue traced his lips and pulled out at least three moans from deep with in him and then tried to memorize every friggin’ inch of his tongue and teeth. Dean’s stubble scratched against his chin as he changed angles and stroked Sam’s tongue with his own, groaning he pulled back and pressed Sam’s wrists into one of his hands. 

 

“Oh, Christ,” Sam groaned, feeling his hips jerk upwards as Dean broke the kiss and clutched Sam’s wrists in one hand. Dean smirked down at him, chest glistening with a thin layer of perspiration. 

 

“No, just Dean,” he whispered tauntingly, and the dove down again, nipping gently at Sam’s neck, biting it harshly when Sam whimpered, and as Dean’s teeth nearly ripped skin, his back arched again as he cried out, louder this time. 

 

“Shh,” Dean whispered, his lips brushing Sam’s new hicky. “Don’t want to wake the neighbors, Sammy.”

 

That’s when something in Dean snapped again. “Fuck, Sam, we can’t do this.” He sat up, releasing Sam’s wrists. 

 

Even with Dean straddling him, every inch of his body told him to move closer, so he propped himself up on his elbows, “Why the hell not?”

 

“You’re my little brother,” Dean said, disgust in his voice. 

 

“I don’t know about little,” Sam murmured, ignoring the word brother.

 

“Sam… We have the same Dad, the same Mom… Dude, we _can’t_ do this.”

 

“Why the hell not!” Sam hissed, lifting one hand to Dean’s cheek. Dean flinched back as if burned, and Sam’s hand dropped.

 

“Dean…” He whispered, but before he think of anything to follow that one word utterance up with, Dean’s phone rang. Sam sighed and laid back on the bed as Dean looked at him and then leaned across him to grab it.

 

“Hello?” As soon as he heard the voice, he swung himself up and off Sam’s hips. “Yeah, Mom, he’s here. … He just came up and,” Dean looked down as he stepped in spilled coffee, “gave me a cup of coffee and crashed. … No, Mom, he’s asleep. … Yeah… … No, I mean… As soon as he tells me what’s up, I’ll call… Yes, I promise… Okay… Yeah… Oh, and Mom? You might want to call him of school, at least for today. … Okay… No, I don’t think taking away permission to come to the party would help… Wait, what? … You found what? … Aza…” Dean trailed off, for the first time he turned his back on Sam. And that freaked Sam right out. He sat up in bed and waited for Dean to turn around again. “So, what does that mean, Mom?” Dean’s voice rose, half yelling, “No, it’s supposed to be _our_ fight, Mom; you aren’t supposed to- … Yes, I am aware I’m raising my voice!… No, I will not apologize! …” Sam swallowed hard when he heard tears in Dean’s voice, “Mom… Mom, don’t do this… We already lost… Mom-… M-…” Apparently he kept getting interrupted, and he was swallowing tears. Sam slipped out of bed and wrapped one arm up and over his shoulder and his other under the arm that was clutching the phone, hugging Dean’s back as he hugged him from behind.

 

“Mom…” Dean’s voice was barely a whisper, “Please, don’t do this..” Dean paused and then -while still watery, it returned to a lower volume, “Fine, I’ll tell him. We’ll see you on Monday, both of us. … I’m sure he sends his love, too.” Dean held the phone in a limp hand by his side, leaning back a little into Sam’s hug.

 

“What’s wrong, baby?” Sam whispered, purposefully using a pet name.

 

“Mom…” Dean whispered, “She… She found Azazel. She’s going after him.”

 

“What? When are we going?” Sam released Dean from the awkward hug and whirled him around, but all his questions clenched in his throat as he saw the tears on Dean’s face.

 

The most tears he’d ever seen shed from Dean’s eyes were quickly hidden away, but now… Dean just let these fall. “She’s not taking us with her.”

 

“Oh, Christ,” Sam murmured, and he pulled Dean against him once more.

 

Dean clung to him, shoulders shaking with silent sobs.

 

There wasn’t a single swear word that he could possibly utter at this moment to sum up all that he was feeling. So he didn’t say anything.


	9. Wish I was Dreaming

TITLE: Here Without You

 

RATING: NC-17; you have to wait for it though. More plot than porn, however, porn is so much fun.

 

SUMMARY: Total AU... Wincest ensues. Oh, and I made Sam 16 when Dean is 19. I know it's only one year... but, well, it seemed to work better for this, sorry if that bugs you.

 

DEDICATIONS: Still Rachel of course!

 

\-----

 

CHAPTER EIGHT: Wish I was Dreaming

 

\-----

 

Soon after Dean’s tears subsided, Sam led him back to the worlds tiniest bed and spooned them together, pressing every inch of his body against his brother’s back.

 

Dean wrapped his arms around Sam’s on his chest and held them close as he attempted to drift to sleep.

 

Only after his breathing slowed with sleep, did Sam allow his own eyes to close as well…

 

“Will you keep it down? He’s my brother, he needed to get away from our Mom for a little bit so he came here, woke me up and we both went to bed. You can see how small it is, of course he had to old on to me. What the fuck do you care anyway, Ted?”

 

“I’m just trying to look out for you, Dean,” he sighed, “You know I don’t care who you fuck or where you fuck them… But still, just cause I don’t doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t be a little more discrete.”

 

Dean sighed now, and Sam shifted in bed, curling into himself. Tears in his own eyes now. 

 

“Look, thanks for the head’s up, Ted, but you can ask anybody that knows me, Sammy’s my brother, I’d never fuck him, and my fucks never stay in my room. You should know that.”

 

Ted scoffed, “Okay, what ever man. I’m just saying.”

 

“Well, you’ve just said your bit at least five times now, so I say quit it.”

 

“You still coming to the party?”

 

“Of course, you still going tomorrow?”

 

“Of course, and may I suggest just one thing?” Ted didn’t wait for Dean’s answer, “Don’t bring your… Brother.”

 

“Fuck off,” Dean stormed, slamming the door behind him as he came back into his room. As soon as the door closed behind him, his movements got quieter. Sam slowed his breathing, long and deep like he was asleep, and curled further into himself; his knees pressing against the wall, his elbows too.

 

“Sammy? You awake?” Sam didn’t answer, just swallowed and ignored the tear that dripped from under one eyelid, crossed his nose and ran along his other eyelid.

 

Dean paused, and then sighed, “How much did you hear.”

 

He didn’t even ask it as a question, it was just a statement that required an answer. Sam swallowed, trying to keep his breath low and even.

 

“Sam. How much. Did you hear?”

 

“Enough, okay? Just let it go, Dean.”

 

“Sam-”

 

“No, just leave it, you’ve made your fucking point clear.” Sam didn’t open his eyes, “Can you give me a second, or better yet, why don’t you just go to the party and I’ll go home.”

 

“Sa-”

 

“Mom isn’t there, she’ll never know. Yeah,” Sam sat up, angrily swiping at his tears, “You know what, I think I’ll do that.”

 

“Sam, come on, think about this-”

 

“Don’t worry, _big brother_ , I have; I’ll Call you when I get home.”

 

Sam stood up, but before he could bend to put on his shoes Dean grabbed him.

 

“Christ, Sam, would you hold on?”

 

Sam looked up, feeling his chin twitch, his nostrils flare, his lip wobble and his moss green eyes were covered in a sheen of moisture. “Look, Dean… I know you’re my brother, and I know that everyone will think it’ wrong… But if there’s anything Mom taught us it’s to love who you’ve got while you’ve got them.”

 

Dean nodded once and hugged his brother close, “You make a point, Sammy,” he whispered, “But they call t wrong for a reason. At the very least because you’re only sixteen. So shit ain’t gonna happen… And maybe by the time you’re old enough, we’ll _both_ have moved on.”

 

Sam cringed mentally at the thought, but reluctantly hugged his brother back, even if it was all he could do… He’d take it.

 

And later they would party. Then they’d come back here -hopefully kiss a little, but it was doubtful- and then sleep. Tomorrow, Sam would get up, probably walk around campus while Dean was in classes and then they would party, come back to the dorm -hopefully kiss a little, but again doubtful- and then sleep. And repeat for Saturday and Sunday, minus class.

 

Sam sighed and looked up at Dean. Dean nodded once and Sam sighed again and then leaned against Dean again.


	10. Just Another Manic Monday

TITLE: Here Without You

 

RATING: NC-17; you have to wait for it though. More plot than porn, however, porn is so much fun.

 

SUMMARY: Total AU... Wincest ensues. Oh, and I made Sam 16 when Dean is 19. I know it's only one year... but, well, it seemed to work better for this, sorry if that bugs you.

 

DEDICATIONS: Still Rachel of course!

 

\-----

 

CHAPTER NINE: Just Another Manic Monday

 

\-----

 

And Sam was, of course, correct; eat, drink, party, crash. Repeat as desired, and oh how Dean desired.

 

Sam felt stupid as hell when he had somehow included the possibility of kissing in his tentative schedule. He really was the biggest idiot ever.

 

And communal showers? Biggest suck-fest ever, just in case you were wondering.

 

“Okay,” Sam murmured. “It’s Monday, so I’m gonna head home.” Dean looked a little startled, “You’re leaving now? It’s still early…”

 

“Yeah, but I’m just…” Sam sighed. “Tired.”

 

“Tired? That was a pretty loaded tired, as if you were- Are tired of something in particular. Care to expand?”

 

“Nope,” Sam said, “I don’t feel like elaborating, but thanks for asking.”

 

“Hey, you said it- Don’t say it unless you want to explain it.”

 

“Stop being a dick, Dean.”

 

Dean clenched his jaw, “Sam…”

 

Sam sighed, “Sorry,” he said, not sounding it in the slightest.

 

“Look, I’ll just grab a bag and then we’ll go.”

 

“We’ll go? Excuse me?”

 

“Yeah,” Dean snapped, “We’ll go. I told Mom I’d be there when she got back. You’ll just have to deal with that.”

 

“Fine, but I’m driving,” Sam said, crossing his arms over his chest.

 

“It’s my car, Sam, I’m driving.”

 

“Fine,” Sam snapped again. “I’ll be by the car. Don’t take too long.”

 

Sam ignored the sound of Dean sighing and hurried out to the Impala.

 

Something was wrong. He didn’t know what, but something was wrong. That’s why he was acting like a dick to his brother. Dean knew it, too. There was something very, very wrong. Hot damned if he knew what it was though. It was just a feeling.

 

Dean came out a moment later and started the car, admiring the purr for a moment before pulling out and heading for home.

 

“I’m sorry,” Sam murmured.

 

“Yeah, I know…” Dean said, tapping the wheel awkwardly. “Me, too…”

 

“I know,” Sam said, looking out the window next to him. 

 

“What the hell are you doing?” Sam screeched when, a moment later, Dean jerked the car off to the shoulder and turned it off, even going so far as to pull the keys out of the ignition.

 

“Sammy…” Sam’s head whipped around, it was the first time since Friday that Dean had used the nickname. “We kissed.”

 

“Yeah,” Sam murmured, looking away. “I know.”

 

“No, I mean… We _kissed_.”

 

“Yeah, I know.”

 

“But we’re brothers.”

 

“I’m aware of that as well,” Sam said, looking back at Dean.

 

“We’re brothers that kissed, Sam, that isn’t normal.”

 

“What about our lives is normal, Dean?” Sam exploded. “Our mother? Isn’t home because she’s out hunting a demon. There is nothing in our lives that is normal.”

 

“But this is especially not normal, Sam.”

 

“Demon, Dean, she’s hunting a demon.”

 

Dean looked out over the steering wheel and then reached for the keys, his hand dropping. Then he reached again, hand falling again, he did this three more times before he spoke again, “Sam?”

 

“Yeah, Dean?” Sam asked, sighing.

 

“We’re brothers… If this thing… Between us… If it doesn’t work out… I mean…”

 

“Dean?”

 

“Yeah, Sam?”

 

“I’m not planning on this not working out, but if it doesn’t? The only thing that’s going to change is the amount of kissing we do.”

 

“Promise?” Dean whispered, Sam finally seeing the chink in his armor. 

 

“Yeah, Dean, I promise.” Sam said, and then leaned over and tugged Dean towards him so they could kiss.


	11. Bloody Mary

TITLE: Here Without You

 

RATING: NC-17; you have to wait for it though. More plot than porn, however, porn is so much fun.

 

SUMMARY: Total AU... Wincest ensues. Oh, and I made Sam 16 when Dean is 19. I know it's only one year... but, well, it seemed to work better for this, sorry if that bugs you.

 

DEDICATIONS: Still Rachel of course!

 

AUTHOR'S NOTE(S): I got nothing’… Except MASSIVE props to **Magos186** for being just… The coolest freakin’ chick ever. XD The title of the chapter is a throw back to the episode “Bloody Mary” as that is the first time we had any idea about Sammy’s visions. 

 

\-----

 

CHAPTER TEN: Bloody Mary

 

\-----

 

Just as Sam’s eyes fluttered shut and was rewarded with Dean’s lips. Whatever he was expecting… He was blown away. For just a moment, he knew what heaven tasted like.

 

And then the world went all… Slippery. Sam gasped, shooting back into his seat.

 

His … He could…

 

He forced himself to breathe, despite the pain.

 

“Dean!” he yelled, desperately, trying to do everything in his power to understand what the hell was going on.

 

He could feel Dean’s hands holding him, gripping his arms, could feel the burst of blood vessels as hand prints formed on his arms. But none of that mattered.

 

His head… He groaned as his head was split damn near in half as the light slammed into him-

 

_“I did everything I promised to, **Mary** ,” the silhouette growled, the out line of the back growing clearer just as the picture swirled to show Mary Winchester, gasping for breath as she lay on the floor._

_“I told you what I was going to do, the day I saved your dear Jonathan from death.”_

_“A death dealt by you,” Mary growled, gasping for breath as blood seemed to pour from her chest._

_“Of course, Mary,” Azazel turned towards her, “No one is denying that._

_“But the thing is…” He crouched down in front of her, yellow eyes looking almost luminescent, “When dear, sweet Jonathan got in the way of you keeping your end of the bargain,,,” he cocked his head to the side, “You blamed me, instead of who was rightfully to blame.”_

_“Who’s that?” she scoffed, ignoring the blood she spat from her mouth with each word. “You want me to blame John?”_

_“Oh, no. No no no,” he tsked. “It’s your fault, Mary. If you’d been the one who'd come in the nursery that night… Dear, sweet Johnny would still be alive.”_

_Mary coughed, blood spattering the floor in front of her. The pain that was etched on her face wasn’t caused by the slashes across her chest, or the blood pouring from her mouth… It was caused by the sudden knowledge that maybe -just maybe- she_ was _to blame… For all of this._

_“And after all the damage you’ve caused, Mary… You just had to keep coming after me,” he looked down at her as he rose to his feet. “If you hadn’t done that… I wouldn’t have had to kill you.”_

_Mary’s hands scrabbled on the white tile of her kitchen floor, and as her back arched when she took her final breath, there was a horrible look of acceptance on her face, in that moment she accepted the fact that not only was she to blame for her parent’s death, and her husband’s death…_

_But it was her fault that Dean and Sam had no father, and, in one short exhale, would have no mother._

_She slumped to the ground, a single tear sliding down her cheek as her body stilled._

 

Sam gasped as the light slammed into him again, and his house faded into the outside.

 

He looked around, unable to focus. He looked around Dean’s crouched form in front of him, slowly he realized that his back was pressed against the back door, Dean clearly having pulled him out in a panic.

 

“Sam? Sammy?” Dean’s panicked shouts finally sank in. Sam looked at him, “I’m okay, Dean,” he lied, and then turned, emptying his stomach onto the ground near the back tire.

 

“Sammy? Sam?” Sam wiped his lower lip and looked back at Dean, his entire body limp as his older brother hugged him tightly. “What the hell happened? What the hell was that?”

 

Sam couldn’t answer, the tears that were spilling down his cheeks finally registering.

 

“Sammy… Come on, man, talk to me…” Dean’s voice was strangled with tears of his own, “You’re scaring the hell out of me…”

 

Sam heard the sob as it was ripped from his throat, but couldn’t do anything except climb onto Dean’s leg as he got as close as physically feasible to what was -in all possibility- his last living family member.


End file.
